HOW TO SELL A KIDNEY

Why, you may ask, would I need to know how to sell a kidney? Well, let me tell you, it’s an ugly story. Recently, I went for a routine teeth cleaning and my annual dental exam, only to discover I need 5 crowns. Why? To save one molar and four incisors (two central and two laterals.) When learning of this, and in a state of shock I might add, I asked the dentist “is this because my teeth are old?” She informed me that the molar already had a large filling that had begun to leak (who knew,) but that it now also had a large cavity. To save the entire tooth, she would need to drill it down to a nub and put a crown on it.

How regal, I thought to myself.

Well, the molar was bad enough but the other four, the incisors? The incisors (those showy rabbit teeth in front) have many, many stress fractures as a result of clenching my teeth–so many stress fractures in fact, that these teeth were at very high risk of crumbling, hence the need for the other four crowns. If they were to crumble, I could end up having a root canal, or having to pull the remaining tooth or teeth altogether, which sounded far worse.

This was bad. This was really bad. Then came the sticker shock: the cost of all this crowning business was/is nearly $5,000!

When said dentist told me of what was needed and the potential risk if I failed to have the work done in any reasonable time frame, I just stared at her, hard, my gut clenched as well as my teeth!

“I’ll have to sell a kidney to pay for all this,” I gasped.

“You said that with such a straight face,” she said, intrigued.

“I’m serious,” I told her.

Anyway, after more toing and froing about the procedure(s), when to schedule them, the details of it all, I said to her sternly, “Don’t forget to order my stuff; don’t forget I can’t have lidocaine because I’m allergic. Otherwise, I could die if you give me the wrong stuff!” I was very emphatic about this.

“I remember,” she said, not skipping a beat. “And if you die, I’ll die,” upon which she turned to the dental hygienist behind me and said, “if we both die, you’ll have to clean up the mess!”

This is pretty much how the conversation went, although by the time I left her office, after much gnashing of my teeth that were already clearly compromised, after making the first crown appointment, and demanding a second free toothbrush in my goody bag, I ended up laughing. Sort of. My dentist, with whom I’ve obviously entrusted my life, since she could end it all if she accidentally gives me lidocaine, said “oh, we’re going to have fun, a good time, I think,” and left to go order my special anesthetic.

Later that evening I told one friend, and another friend the following day, about this whole problem with my teeth and the resultant price tag to fix/save them. The second friend called me this morning to tell me she’d been thinking about my possible kidney sale, wondering how I might go about it, where would I advertise, etc. “How does one sell a kidney?” she inquired. Needless to say, I’d never really given selling body parts a whole lot of thought. Until now.

“Maybe I could sell it on eBay,” I said.

“What would you say,” she queried, “one kidney in good condition?”

“Oh, I like that. And it hasn’t even been contaminated with alcohol in nearly 20 years. It’s actually quite pristine.”

We both ended up laughing and after a bit more chatting, we hung up so I could research how to sell my kidney. Upon googling, I discovered a website www.therichest.com only to discover there are ten body parts a person can sell for “big bucks,” with the kidney being not only the most in demand, but also commands the biggest dollars because of a shortage–$70 to $80,000 legally, and up to $200,000 on the black market. (You can actually sell elbows and heads, believe it or not!)

This sounded promising. I found other sites and/or articles about selling kidneys too. Forbes magazine had a 2014 article, for example, citing over 80,000 kidney transplants were performed internationally that year alone, with Iran being the country with the greatest demand for them. This might just be the time to exploit my past Iranian connection.

I haven’t contacted eBay yet to see if I could sell a kidney there. While I’m not terribly encouraged or serious about the prospects of actually selling a kidney, the black market price is tempting, although I’m not much into covert activity. Another alternative, I suppose, would be to go back to the first article to research and consider selling a lesser body part. After all, I only need $5,000 and while a person can live with only one kidney, it may be smarter to keep them both for now. Who knows, there could be other unexpected costs associated with this whole aging process that requires greater, more substantial funds later on. Sigh.